I'm home, am I?

really, I'm finally home :) I wanted it for so long, I was dreaming about it from Fulton and though it going to be an amazing break... so I came home as a surprise. My family was expecting me next day as I told them, but I wanted to surprise them, which actually worked out :) but i was happy only for a day... the next day brought with it everything I was trying to hide, everything I didn't want to see, I didn't want to get involved into... but I realize that it is exactly what is to be home... I can't deny I'm glad to see my mam, dad, bro and granny, all my true friends, but I desperatly didn't want to see the problems that my bro was causing to everyone. I didn't want to see tears of sadness, I didn't want my granny to have a heart attact.... I didn't see that coming, I was sure that it won't happen, coz I haven't been home for a year! I don't have my own place anymore, I feel that I make my parents to sacrifice all they have for me, who doesn't even know what she will be in future... But... yeah... in addition to all this, last weel I went to my home town, where I left the best years of my childhood, and here I couldn't stop going crazy... exactly: going crazy! all this memories weren't good for my head. I fell apart and couldn't do anything: couldn't smile, couldn't laugh, couldn't be happy, coz all my happiness like it was before is gone, all my chilhood friends are gone too... the place is empty, the place is dying, the memories are flying away with it... I do still keep in touch with my friends and we are keeping our good friendship still, but I'm too far from them now... I'm too far from everytihng home... I started thinking that I made a big mistake by going to the US... why didn't I want to listen to my mam, and just stay and study in Russia, to get a really good education and to start living like everybody else.... but I can't come back to this, I can't be like everybody else anymore... I am me who got lost in the loop of constant life-changes, in constant traveling, constantly remembering best times in UWC and home, wonderful and not fake ppl, honest smiles, real talks and real laughs... blja - I would swear in russian for the first time since a year... I know for sure I want to come back to my country, I'm sure I want to be among this crazy drinkers, those who lost their believe in Russia's rebirth ( if I can use this word in this sence), but ppl who still live happily and who finds happiness in very simple things and not seeking for the best anymore... maybe, I'm going mad and just saying bullshit, but for the first time I wanted to scream and let everybody know that the world is going to sink!!! it's hard to make ppl listen, it's hard to make them be aware if they don't care and it's impossible to change anything on ourown.... hmmm, I don't even want to read through what I just throw away from my head, so don't judge me strick for that...

I'm reading a wierd book - the truth about Chernobl catastrophe (sometihng that no one knows, and no one ever told anyone, coz everything was kept in a big secret...) - I can't stop loosing my tears for those ppl who knows what real suffering is, for ppl who were cheated by our " dear " gov-t, who died of a huge amount of radiation which affected them... and ppl could speak only now, when it still hurts but not as much any more.... after 20 years... it's important to me, because I was born almost the same day when the explosion happen, and my home town remember everything, because we were getting ppl from that area, naket ppl with nothing with them.... I want to write about it more later, when I'll finish my research... ppl should know that, ppl should be aware of something that affected the whole world, not only Belorussia and Ukrain... all of us ppl...
ok, it's too much from me - almost like a confession... like never before... I'm sure I'll recover, coz I always beliave in a bright future :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer full of best and beautiful moments!
peace to everyone... eh, I so much want to hug u guys... <^_^>

5 or 20?

ha, this year I had another B-day away from home... well, I don't really remember how it was to celebrate b-days at home.. it's been a long time ago. Yeah, so I've just turned 20. WOW!!! I feel much older... NOT AT ALL. I don't feel any different, actually I feel much yonger... I was a bit upset that the day wasn't going to nice - weather bug told me that it was going to rain :S but in the end we had a wonderful weather :D so we went to chill out in the park in Columbia. FUN! we did everything that a 5 year old kid would do: climbing around the play ground, playing frizbi, lying on the grass.... Finally we went to eat in Arabic restaurant and shopping :P However, the day of surprises didn't end peacefully. Later, people organized a cake session... yeah, I wish it was just that, but eventually I ended up in the bathroom washing my head first from a broken egg and right after that I had to get rid of the mayonese on my hear. I wouldn't say I was happy that "my FIRENDS" did that to me, but it was funny, I should admit. Later on when the cakes were almost eaten my "another good friend" suggested to use the left overs for fun, so in exacktly 5 sec it was on my face!!!!! :S and here I couldn't hold it and did the same nasty thing to the person who was sitting next to me: Hasan :P he he he he, that ws even more funny
The day went amazing, and the greetings from far away almost made me cry the end of the day :( yeah, I realize that I miss ppl sOOOOO much, especially now, when everyone from here has gone as well... and I'm myself going home tomorrow... oh this packing :S I hate it! it's never easy to leave a place and to come back... but hopefully summer will be awesome and I get as much rest as I deserved! haven't I?! it's been a taugh semester, with lots of unwritten letters, with lots of unanswered e-mails, with a very bad "keep in touch"... but I will correct my mistakes,,, as soon as I get home and as soon as I get nothing to do there:P
he he he he
Summer will be great! I hope :D